So this was written quite some time ago for a different blog I kept a little after college and before moving to Ohio, but I wanted to share here as well because I think it’s still worth it.
February 17, 2019
As a forewarning: the first poem was written as a way to prepare for the main poem/letter, so the rhyming scheme changes. This one rhymes while the other is free verse.
As you can see by the date below,
I wrote this poem months ago.
I was afraid to share these words
Because deep down it all still hurts.
I know that thirteen years have passed
But that doesn’t mean the pain won’t last.
You see it comes and goes,
Like the ocean in and out it flows.
I don’t mean to make you cry,
I just wanted to share my heart tonight.
Life has changed since 2008
Some things good and others not so great.
But I know life keeps going on
Whether we want it to or not.
For years I’ve hid my pain away
Because I had to hold together my family.
I realize now that I don’t have to.
We all grieve differently, it’s true.
So when these words on page took place
I imagined speaking to my Dad face to face.
I wanted him to know he’s not forgotten
That I remember him most often.
Mostly for large future events
But also at moments in the present.
When I bring my Dad up in passing
Please let me share for this reason:
I know I’m not the only one who’s dealt with loss
And that river is not an easy one to cross.
Because we all deal differently with death.
Sometimes we can’t share what’s in our head.
So I want to share so that you know
You don’t have to face the darkness on your own.
I’ve traveled that road for a time
I thought the burden alone was mine.
But God grabbed onto my broken heart
And I lashed out in anger at His part.
“It’s not fair!” I screamed into the night
“You didn’t need to take him from our sight.”
But God brought me a girl after a year
Who had lost her dad too and she had fear.
He told me, “This is why I took him away.”
And more and more have shown up since that day.
You see, God showed me that my life isn’t mine,
It’s His to use for His glory in His time.
If that means taking someone that I love away
So that He could connect me with others in His way,
Then so be it, for He knows what’s best.
Even in those times I don’t quite get it.
I know, this poem went quite long
But it just seemed so wrong
To not share the story leading up to this
Because it’s not my story. It’s His.
February 17, 2019
A Daughter’s Letter to Her Father
I miss you
Let’s just cut to the chase
I really miss you
You see, it’s easy to just move on
To not talk about it
Not talk about you
Even when I really want to
When with friends or strangers
I talk like you’re still around
With family
We hardly say a word
We used to talk about you a lot
In the beginning
Because that’s what you do
When you’re grieving
It’s like mentioning you
Or death in general is taboo
It makes people uncomfortable
But I don’t want to be comfortable
I want you here
I want to tell you how I feel
I want people to know you
To know who you were
Mom talks about you more now
It’s necessary therapy
Our bodies weren’t designed
To hold onto grief
I believe some think
That talking about you
Is letting go of the memories
When really
We are remembering them
Remembering you
Even more
Please know
You’re never forgotten
Even if
You don’t come up in conversation
For who could forget their father?
The one who provided for his family
Taught his children skills
Pushed them high on the swings
Chased them around the playground?
You had dreams
You had plans
You had us
And we had you
Now, we only have memories
Ghosts of the past
Images that will fade with time
But we will never forget you
I understand you had to leave
It was your time
God had His reasons
His plans
You see He has shown me
He keeps putting people in my life
Like me
Fatherless
At least, without my earthly father
So that they will also recognize
That our heavenly Father
Will never leave
But even then
There is still pain
A hole in my heart
That will never be the same
Hospitals and funerals
I hate
But weddings
Are the worst
Aislinn’s wedding
Far exceeded them all
Because you
Were supposed to be there
Fathers are the ones
To walk their daughters
Down the aisle
And dance with them
At the reception
Schuyler and Ben did well
But they’re not you
I’m not trying to blame you
It’s really not your fault
You’re in a better place
At times when the world is hard
I’m jealous
But I know it’s not my time yet
I’ll really be ok
We’re going to be fine
I just wanted to let you know
That I miss you
I miss your smile
I miss your hugs
I miss your voice
I just miss you
I wonder if you’re proud of us
Of me
We’ve come a long way
Our journeys have not been easy
Time does not heal all wounds
Time only creates scars
That we are unable to hide
One day
Those scars will be gone
Because we’ll get to join you
In paradise
Where all tears are wiped away
All pain disappears
Where our Saviour holds us close
And we’ll see your face once more.
